another excerpt from a day in the life of a hillbilly wife!

So.
Yesterday cohen was staying at a friends house and jimmy and skylar wanted to go “fishing”. They said there is this really cool pond wayyy out in one of their hunting areas where they wanted to catch some fish. They realllly wanted me to come and gave me these super cute puppy dog eyes and somehow talked me into getting out of the pool, putting pants on and heading out into the woods in the 96 degree heat. (I had to wear pants or the bugs would eat me alive, according to the boys) As I packed the bug spray and my latest James Patterson novel into my purse I felt like I was being set up somehow because Jimmy and Skylar were both putting on camouflage pants and Sky even put on an orange vest… We stopped and got a pepperoni pizza on the way out. I wanted to wait until I had settled down pond-side to eat so I could relax while I grubbed, but I was starving. So. We drive out to the woods, get lost, which I don’t mind at all because I LOVE the peace and beauty that God has bestowed upon us…we turned down this dirt road and a deer dashes across the road in front of us! How exciting!! Then not two minutes later a turkey!! THEN about three minutes later Jimmy slams on the brake and the truck slides to a halt as he exclaims “RATTLESNAKE!!! A big one too!!!” My heart stopped beating until I realized Jimmy was about to do something…and given his reputation…I was convinced it just might be something stupid. Therefore my heart needed to begin to function again just in case I needed to save a life. He scrambled to get his .45 out while I begged “No Jimmy! No!” and Skylar begged “Let me shoot it dad!! Please let me shoot it dad!!”. Jimmy looked at me like I was stupid and said “I’m gonna shoot it!” Without leaving the truck he aimed his gun down at the side of the road and I curled into a ball in the passenger seat and plugged my ears.
POW! “I shot it right in the head!!”
I gingerly unplugged my ears and crawled across his lap to see. There it was. A four foot long rattler with 15 rattles at the end of her tail. Half of it’s head was annihilated and the bottom jaw was half gone. It lay motionless in the sand on the side of the road. As Jimmy climbed out of the Dodge and I begged him to be careful he grabbed a stick to poke at the snake. It didn’t react to the jabs and appeared to be as dead as a doornail, regardless, he pinned the head down and grabbed it right at the base to pick it up. He asked me to snap a couple of pictures with his phone so I did and he even put it around the back of his neck to pose before putting it in the bed of the pickup to continue our adventure. (At this point, regardless of the fact that we had a map, we could not find the road we were seeking) For some odd reason, I was no longer hungry. As we drove up and down the same road looking for the “trail” that led to the pond Skylar looked into the bed of the pickup and yelled “DAD! Your snake is ALIVE!” I twisted around to look out the back and see the most horrifying, traumatizing sight of my life…the snake was slithering around confusedly with it’s little tongue whipping in and out of it’s half of a mouth. I hope the good Lord forgives me because I sure did use his name in vain. Jimmy then pulled over and out of the kindness of his heart put the poor snake out of it’s pain.
We did eventually find the pond that we were seeking.  We didn’t catch any fish but were entertained by the alligator loitering about 75 yards out sizing us up, and the three doe grazing across the pond.  I made Jimmy cut the snake’s head off and throw it into the thickest brush we could find. I was not interested in any more snakes coming back from the dead.

Today, in the mail, Jimmy received a sweepstakes entry from the NRA where he had the opportunity to win 21 guns!  How exciting.  After filling out all the blanks and sticking all the stickers he walked into the room where I was and said “I don’t even know what I would do if I won 21 guns.”   “I do.” I said.  “You would put them in a pile and roll around in them.” “Yeah,” he agreed “Then I would spread out a blanket and sleep on them.”

Yeah, that’s pretty much what would happen.

I love this man.  We just don’t have anything in common.  However, never a day in my life do I doubt the ability or passion he has to provide for and protect my family…which makes him even more lovable in my mind. Hopefully, in the meantime, he doesn’t get bit by..Oh. I don’t know…a poisonous snake.

d.